While 500 Days of Summer is painful to watch because the main character, Tom, is such a weak man, there are many lessons to be learned here.
Summer sees some potential in Tom which is why she dates him in the first place.
Sure, there is an element of new girl moving to a new city and not knowing too many people, but she does actually give Tom a legit chance.
While she communicates to him, multiple times that she’s not interested in anything serious, her behavior says otherwise.
It’s true that she could just be a total psychopath, but most people with normal emotional wiring will feel increasingly emotionally attached to another person they share a large part of their life with, especially if they’re also having sex and opening up about their past.
These kind of mixed signals often confuse people. Women, especially tend to believe a guy when he says he’s not looking for anything serious.
But when someone says they’re not looking for anything serious, it typically means that they’re not looking for anything serious from YOU as you are right now–or maybe more accurately, how they see you right now. Which means that they can’t see you offering enough for them to want to be serious.
As a dating coach, on numerous occasions, I’ve had guys tell me that they just want to sleep with a lot of women and don’t want to be in a relationship. Typically, I challenge them by asking if they would be open to a serious relationship with whoever is the current celebrity hottie and they immediately say, “Well, that’s different.”
What most people mean when they say that they don’t want a serious relationship is that they aren’t satisfied with what they think are their options or that they think they would need to make certain sacrifices to their lifestyle that they don’t want to make.
They are too limited in their imagination to think that they could have a situation that is both serious and allows them to have what they want and live the way they want so they just say that they don’t want a serious relationship.
In the case of 500 days of Summer, Summer is saying that she isn’t interested in Tom as he is. When Tom asks her why she was willing to get engaged with the next guy, she says that with this guy she’s sure, but with Tom, she wasn’t.
The depth of her feelings for Tom is obvious when she tells Tom something about herself that she’s never told anyone before. Tom takes this to mean that he’s entitled to and deserving of a serious committed relationship.
He’s paying attention to what he wants to hear and he ignores what he doesn’t. Instead of thinking about why she doesn’t want a serious committed relationship and thinking about what he could do, he thinks there must be something wrong with her.
He misses the hints that Summer gives him on the occasions where she gets him to talk about his dream of being an architect and having an impact on the city, and tells him that she believes he can succeed.
Tom doesn’t take any action on this at all.
He wants to stay just as he is AND get the girl.
This is very typical of many people in a relationship and I’ve seen it countless times. They have a partner who makes a few offhand comments, but because the partner treats them basically the same, they assume that everything is fine and are STUNNED when their partner finally lets them know how unhappy and disappointed they are, pulls back, finds someone else or all of the above.
What Summer is really saying is that she sees a lot of potential in him, but unless that potential turns into something more, then she’s not interested in committing.
Why is Tom not pursuing something more? Why is he in a job he has no passion for, for 3 years? Because he’s weak and scared or lazy or all of the above. Why else would he not do more and want to realize his potential.
It’s just like when Nala finds Simba in the jungle and he’s busy hanging out with his buds and being all “hakuna matata.”
Unlike Simba though, when Nala (in the original 1994 version!) tells him what he needs to do, he actually answers the call and steps up his game to realize his potential.
Summer does a very good thing here. In my experience, many women just leave without even giving you a clue about what you should or could be doing to win them over.
And this brings me to another point…Summer drops a few hints that Tom ignores. Many women resort to nagging, because their men don’t pay attention and they decide to nag as their first move rather than disengaging or finding another partner, especially when they’ve already invested so much that the other options require a lot of effort.
I don’t remember ever being nagged by a woman in a long term relationship, but I know that many of my clients have had that because they refuse to be responsive to what their partner cares about.
Summer gave Tom a chance, and he fumbles it. She gave him multiple chances, and then the relationship gradually deteriorated.
When Tom and Summer are at the bar, and Summer gets approached and the guy scoffs at her being with Tom, it really hurts him because Tom knows that Summer is out of his league.
Instead of doing something about it by developing and improving himself, he just demands she offer safety and security which she refuses to do.
This is a good lesson for women to learn too. Because women can also be in the same situation where they are with a man and they blame him for not having a higher level of commitment instead of thinking about what they should or could do to make the man WANT TO commit.
Become a better more desirable partner!
If you do that, even if this relationship doesn’t work out, you’ll have better odds with the next one.
If you’re a young guy and you haven’t accomplished much yet, that’s normal. Girls are going to bank on your potential. But if they see nothing happening, they’re going to lose hope and bail.
It’s normal as a man not to have much to show for your efforts until you hit your late 20s. That’s ok. Along the way, if you keep leveling up you’ll have better options.
Women too, can be far better partners at 28 than they were at 23 if they really think about what attracts and keeps a long term partner.
I’m not saying it’s easy, but what I am saying is that when someone you really want to be with gives you a chance, take it.
Because from their perspective, if you really wanted to be with them, you’d be paying attention and respond to what they want.
